


The One That Got Away

by mrs_d



Category: due South
Genre: Multi, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-05-01 19:37:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5218229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrs_d/pseuds/mrs_d
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She didn’t tell him. God knows he’s an observant man, though — has to be in his line of work. And as much as he left his shirts and shoes scattered all over the apartment, he knew when something was out of place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One That Got Away

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a snippet for ds_snippets, but it, well, got away. The prompt was "I didn't want to look you up / I'm pretty sure it's just enough / That I remember you fondly" (Indigo Girls, "Elizabeth").

When Ray came to her after midnight that first Sunday, “looking to start the work week right," Stella told him she was still on her period. For a second, she could tell he was doing the math, and it didn’t add up. So she cupped his face and murmured in his ear about how it was just a bad one this time around and not to worry. Then she sucked him off, fast at first, then slowing down till he was practically begging for it and passed out right after coming, leaving her to pee and shower in peace.

She checked again, but there was still no blood.

She didn’t tell him. He was busy: his first undercover gig with South Side Vice, the perfect job for an ex-punk like him. Even if he was almost thirty, when he pulled on his old leather jacket, borrowed her eyeliner, and wore his head-kickers, as he called his favorite boots, he looked 21 again. Add the cigarettes and the hair gel, and she doubted even his father would make him as a cop. But when Stella said so, laughing, Ray just got kind of quiet and said he had to go.

So she didn’t tell him. God knows he’s an observant man, though — has to be in his line of work. And as much as he left his shirts and shoes scattered all over the apartment, he knew when something was out of place.

* * *

Five weeks later, she was grateful when he got punished for mouthing off to the lieutenant and had to work a month of afternoons, since it meant he was always already asleep by the time she got up every morning to vomit before her first class.

She knew for sure now — she had doctor’s appointments around his work schedule — but still, she didn’t tell him. She didn’t want to see the gleam of joy she knew he’d get, or hear about the plans that he’d make — that he’d already been making — for a house, a minivan, a swing set, a Mrs. Kowalski, plump and rosy, peeking out from behind flowered curtains.

So she planned her escape. She got started on the paperwork while she was at school and picked fights with him when she got home. Still a punk in every way that counted, he never backed down. And when she shouted that she needed space, he let her go, as she knew he would.

* * *

She lived in Ohio for five months with her brother, also estranged from their parents but still not nearly estranged enough, until it came — the pain and the blood and tears, the medication, the shouting, and the tiny wail that meant it was finally over.

And when the little face was almost hidden under a pink blanket, when the baby — Elizabeth, always Elizabeth no matter what the new people called her — was signed for and taken away, and when Stella was physically recovered, she called Ray and begged his forgiveness.

He gave it without knowing what she was asking; he always gave Stella far more than she deserved. But the little secret festered between them, first in little ways, like how she didn’t like to shower with him anymore, and then in bigger ways, like how she didn’t pick fights anymore, didn’t bother fighting back when he did. She knew he knew the markers of a guilty conscience. Finally, she got more paperwork to put a stop to it.

After the divorce it got easier. The venom mask was simple in public, and she didn’t have to worry about him seeing her in private. When he did, there was distance; she never let him stay the night, though he’d beg sometimes.

* * *

The last time they made love — before he left the city for good — and she was almost certain he’d fallen asleep with his head on her shoulder, she asked him if he had any regrets, if there was anything he’d change. He opened his eyes and rubbed at her belly, which she never used to let him touch, since she was afraid he’d feel something different.

“You know my regrets, Stell,” he said into her skin. “I thought I would’ve been a dad by now.”

She shifted under him, and he raised his head. She tried to avoid his eyes, but it was pointless. He’d always been good at interrogations, and that still scared her a little.

“I would’ve liked to have him,” Ray said gently. “The one that got away.”

“Her,” Stella whispered, almost involuntarily.

His jaw clenched, and he blinked rapidly. “Her,” he repeated.

Stella swallowed hard. “Ray, I’m sorry. I—”

Ray kissed her again, then got out of the hotel bed and pulled on his jeans. “I should go. Lots to pack. Frase’ll be waiting up. Vecchio, too, probably.”

“Okay,” she murmured.

He turned back suddenly, his t-shirt in his hand. “Hey, uh. You’ll explain this to him, right? I mean, Ben’s cool with it, but...”

“I’ll take care of it.”

He almost smiled. “Guess you always do, huh.”

She almost smiled back. “Something like that.”

* * *

Ten years later, the agency emailed to say that Elizabeth — sixteen years old now, and she still had that name — had made some queries, but Stella refused a meeting. Instead, she sent back the address of a small cabin on the border between the Northwest Territories and the Yukon.  


End file.
